Because I could be nothing at all.


wrecked and dismayed

I just wander around

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Matthew and why I stick to him like glue.
Because I could be nothing at all.
I don't know what to do anymore
I just feel like I can't go on another day
you are the only thing that makes me happy regardless of how shitty I feel about myself, I don't want you to be taken away from me too. . .

I'm not going away

my mom said that when I'm in treatment I won't be able to see you (able as in allowed) and that their feelings about you won't change after treatment
it was so devastating, I just cried

their feelings don't have to change

then what will become of us ? I feel like we don't have a chance
even worse, I feel like I have to CHOOSE

no, I told you I'm not leaving you
you don't have to choose

that's not how they see it

they are right about one thing
you need treatment
but what they don't understand is I will be there to support you
whether they let me in or not doesn't change my ability to talk to you
and if I can get in, I will
but they're wrong about something
I have the bullheadedness enough to do anything I want
and I want to prove them wrong
and I will

my parents just asked me if I could sleep between them tonight
like I did when I was little

they probably want to be close
not out of distrust
I understand the feeling

oh, I know

when you realize you might not have the chance to hold something you love on any given moment you so choose for the rest of your life, you also realize that you really want to hold that something closer

I wonder if that's how they feel. . .

I'm sure that's how they feel
I feel that way a lot
it's painful and impossible to ignore
but it puts things in perspective for a moment

It is still hard for me to imagine why anyone would worry, other than my mental instability

because the mental instability is only the perpetuator, and it's your physical health and behavioral health that scares them
and myself
because that's what's taking you away from us now
the disorder itself is hard for most to even take into consideration, as you've noticed

I have noticed but I feel like my health is not that bad
not only that, but I feel like there's no other way

and that's why it's so important that they make sure you seize the opportunity to get better

I don't want to yet. . .

I don't want to lose you yet
and this is the only chance we have
and it is what I want and you need
and I love you enough to know that your parents need to be a part of your recovery
whether they accept me or not, I know that you need them

but you aren't going to lose me

I know you can't live with the disorder
if something doesn't change for the better in your health, and quickly, I am going to lose you

but it is not that bad

because somebody steps in just often enough to make sure you're head's above water
Jen, you're going to say it's not that bad until you don't have the ability to speak
you say it's not that bad until you say that you can't do it and can't make it through the day
then you go back to it's not that bad

I mean my health

that's part of your health
mind, body, and spirit

I feel like my suicidal thoughts are about it as far as danger goes

and you are obsessed with the idea that you need to reduce your body weight, to no end. It has a delusional grip on you that makes you oblivious to the fact that every day you systematically perform acts that cut away at your health; all aspects of it
those acts don't seem threatening to you
they seem like they're necessity
to prolong a better standard of living
but that's exactly the delusion

no, I just feel like if it were as bad as everyone says it is I would have been dead a while ago

it's not only destroying your standard of life, but it's already destroyed your standard of life and you're barely holding on
because your intention isn't to die
it's simply to get as close as possible and linger there as long as possible
you flirt with death every day
that's why I've been saying that I'm already losing you
because it's not you anymore
it's a shell, being zombied around by the conflict of obsessive impulse vs nature
and your brain isn't healthy enough to win but more than once in a blue moon, anymore
this is what I've seen

but I am still living

you're alive, you're not living

I guess that is a way to put it, but it doesn't feel that way to me. . .
and it feels like I need to reduce my body weight because it's too big
that is why I am so afraid to recover
I feel like I don't need it
and I'm so scared

but the only truth is that it's bad
and if it's not getting better it's getting worse
and it's getting worse, faster


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